Worthy, regardless

I just realised that I've technically been on this journey with Him for over 2 decades now. (I've been alive for a little under 3 decades). Even in moments where my walk was a little less than 'exemplary' - at least according to the standards of Christianity that I had grown accustomed to since my most malleable years - I don't remember hearing much outside of "God knows best" or "God knows what He's doing" when searching for answers. Sometimes God would be replaced with Universe in those phrases but...something about looking to Creation instead of Creator just felt like it wasn't for me even then.

God's will

That's not exactly what you want to hear about when you're running from God and trying to figure out who you are outside of Him. The latter turned out to be a joke by the way (in my personal experience).

Many have gone on the same path of self-discovery and ultimately decided that they are "the masters of their fate; the captains of their souls". Happy for them. I've never exactly had that privilege and I know that I can't be alone in this. There's always too much happening around me to believe that I could ever be in complete control even if I tried. Even when I have tried.

So I went back some years ago. I surrendered to the same Will that I wanted nothing to do with and didn't want to hear about.

I assumed that this time it would be easier because, you know, "His burden is easy and His yolk is light". But it wasn't. The issue there being mainly my understanding of that particular passage and promise at the time, but that's a story for another day.

Is it even worth it? Is He even good?

It's easy to accept that He has allowed certain people to be a part of our lives because of the light/love they carry with them but not so easy to accept that He allowed you to stay unemployed for as long as He did, no matter much you prayed for Him to change that.

It's easy to accept that He has never allowed you to be in a position where you lacked anything but not so easy to accept that He didn't allow your relationship with the one that you believed was The One to work out no matter how hard you tried...or cried...or prayed.

We take the good and the bad from people but somehow can only really put up with the good that God brings, not the bad that He allows. (See Job 2:10)

As if we aren't living in a fallen world and realm where the bad is inevitable. As if He didn't actually warn us about the things that we would have to face in the very same book that relays His promises to us. Kinda fickle, innit?

In the absence of insight into the bigger picture it's only natural to resort to thought patterns, and even declarations, along the lines of "Where is God?" or "I don't know what God wants from me" or even "I don't want to hear about God right now" while processing (yet another) disappointment and yet...the temporary present doesn't change who He is or the good that He does send our way.

The present, or in a lot of cases, the one thing that we focus on because it isn't going right at that moment doesn't exactly inspire the thought but...He is good. He is good anyway.

So we draw back a little when He doesn't. To be completely honest (and real) it can rightfully feel like cognitive dissonance when we are in moments of corporate worship where everyone around you is declaring His goodness while your inner world is struggling to see it in that moment.

Cue Maverick City Music's Worthy of My Song:

"And in the blessing and the pain

You are worthy

Whether you say Yes or No or Wait

You are worthy

And through it all I choose to say

You are worthy

I'll never stop singing your praise

I'll never stop singing your praise

And when I finally see your face

I'll cry worthy

And when you wipe these tears away

I'll cry worthy

Above every other name

You are worthy

I'll never stop singing your praise

I'll never stop singing your praise"

When I first came across this part of the lyrics I felt as though He was anything but worthy of my praise forgetting that though my feelings matter to Him, His goodness is not subject to them.

In the midst of life "life-ing", the ills of this world and everything in between, He is still good. He is still good. The glimpses of His goodness are always lingering somewhere around... As Chandler Moore once beautifully said: Hear me with your spirit.

We're left with a choice then to decide to go with our valid but (sometimes) fickle feelings or His constant nature.

In light of the extent of eternity vs our brief voyage on this earth, what choice are you making today?

I hope you choose well.

Chat soon